Learn & Understand

The Compliment We Don't Give: Reciprocity and Awkwardness

Genuine compliments are almost free to give and delightful to receive, yet we give far fewer than we could. Research into why reveals a gap between how much a compliment is valued and how awkward we imagine giving it — and a deeper social principle, reciprocity, that governs the flow of good words between people.

The Norm of Reciprocity

Human relationships run on reciprocity — a deep-seated norm that we return what we are given, whether favors, gifts, or kind words. A compliment offered tends to be repaid in warmth, and relationships thrive on a healthy two-way flow. Noticing whether kind words move in both directions, or mostly one way, reveals something about the balance of a connection.

The Awkwardness Gap

Studies find that people systematically underestimate how much others appreciate their compliments and overestimate how awkward or bothersome giving one will be. We hold back genuine praise out of an imagined discomfort that rarely materializes — the recipient is almost always pleased. This “liking gap” means we withhold small gifts of kindness that would be gladly received.

Good for the Giver

Giving genuine compliments lifts the giver's mood as well as the receiver's. The act of noticing and voicing something good about another person shifts one's own attention toward appreciation, a small positive reframing. Like other acts of kindness, complimenting turns out to benefit the one who offers it, not only the one who receives.

Not a Scorecard

The point of noticing the balance of compliments given and received is not to keep rigid score or to compete. It is a gentle prompt to ask whether you contribute your share of warmth, or mostly receive it. In a world that under-compliments out of needless awkwardness, simply giving a little more genuine praise is a quiet, reliable way to brighten both sides.

General wellbeing and educational information, not a clinical or mental-health assessment. If you are struggling, please reach out to a qualified mental-health professional.

Related Calculations

See the wider give-and-take of kindness with the Acts of Kindness Impact Calculator, and the strength of your bonds with the Social Connection Score Calculator.